While I would not say that the last 2 years have provided a "crisis of faith" period for me, I do believe I have been challenged to consider the integration of faith in my life through new lenses. Partly due to discussions and revelations from my studying, much of this reconsideration has occurred because of life situations I have encountered throughout this journey. While some of these have been specifically personal situations -- the loss of a baby from miscarriage -- or others professional -- the search for new professional roles -- I do not see a great distinction between personal and professional since I see my working world as decidedly personal in its interaction with my personhood.
At times these crises moments cause me to consider abandoning my faith wholesale. Who needs it anyway? Part of me, at times, becomes cynical toward the idea of living as Christ follower, yet I am compelled to reconsider and "try again." It is during these moments of "trying again" where I reaffirm my understanding of faith in action and recommit myself to goals greater than myself. In these times I find myself engaging new challenges of life by reminding myself about the past and my goals for the future. I just cannot envision a future without God -- albeit that future relationship has surely changed!! (Possibly and hopefully it is continually changing).
Qualitative methodology is something with which I struggle. Not only do I find it difficult to frame conceptually and theoretically, I find it strikingly difficult to comprehend practically. Who am I to tell the story of someone else?
Alex keeps saying, "focus on the story of the other." Part of me argues that, in the end, I serve my needs through this work and therefore I am telling my story in a roundabout fashion. Possibly this is researcher bias at work. . .maybe I am just a horrible researcher! This driving philosophy of qualitative research, however, has possibly impacted my faith the most throughout the past semester. It presents the great challenge of story -- telling someone else's story is the gift of qualitative research.
Quantitative research allows me to embrace a true feeling of objectivity, "here are my data, this is what they seem to be telling us." For whatever reason I have been drawn to this approach; this approach is where I feel most comfortable.
Qualitative research means nothing without the voice of the other. The gift of this voice is the foundation of the research. During my work collecting data I continued reflecting on how blessed I felt by sharing in the conversation with my participants. I felt duly inadequate to be the individual with responsibility of providing venue to each of their voices. What a gift to cherish. For a brief moment I have felt God smile upon the participants. Not because anything I am doing or asking is groundbreaking or life-altering, but because I have been provided the gift of receiving these comments -- they were given to me as though I now hold guardianship over them.
Some of this reflection came to light during and shortly after the actual interviews, but it was my manipulation of the data that truly illuminated this reality. As I coded and wrestled with themes in the data I would write the name of the participant next to the code or idea. Through this process I kept saying to myself, "this is Suzie's thought and I have now provided it some kind of tangible permanence." I now have the responsibility of working with this thought appropriately and responsibly.
In a small way this has affirmed for me the importance I have to The Creator. He gives me the freedom of thought and expression. Yet, despite my ability to be of mobile agency, I am under His authority . . . what I know is that his representation and guardianship of my being and thoughts is perfect -- especially where mine is imperfect.
I many not be representing these thoughts in an appropriate or clear manner, however it all comes together to represent my new understanding of qualitative research. Has it altered my orientation toward quantitative research methods? No, but it has illuminated a new world for me and given me an orientation of openness toward other methodologies. It is even possible for me to say I can delight in the qualitative approach (to an extent!).
The most compelling aspect of qualitative research, for me, is the gift of story. The challenge for researchers is to take this story, focus on the fact that it is a gift from the participant, and represent it in a way that affirms who they are and whose they are. What a tremendous task in so many ways!
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